Rewriting the Story Options

[Shiro]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GratuitousRape
Check this one out. It's under the Bad Writing Index for a reason.

[BlackRangerXIII]

Okay, some of this isn't really working all that well. First, I'm looking at another very non-chalant rape scene that comes completely out of nowhere and is 'dealt' with in as little as four lines. Why would a Venom operator - someone who is by now officially established as the absolute finest of Europe's special forces community - stroll around in Russian-occupied Finland alone during WW3 to get whacked unconscious and raped? Also, the notion that the ECA would dispatch a significant part of its Venom force to engage GLA forces is quite unbelievable. The GLA doesn't do much of anything at the moment and what little there was during WW3 was repelled by Maghreb forces - on their own. The protocol units were -only- designed and produced to give the ECA an edge against the Russian Army and there would be no logical reason for ECA high command to disperse these precious assets away from the fight for their very own land during what is meant to be the decisive counter offensive to end the war. I should also note that you've kinda left out what would have easily been the most interesting and rich aspect of this whole story premise: What is it actually -like- to be a Venom? How does the neural interface work? How does it feel to essentially have an extended mechanical body that you can control like it's your own? Does the experience do anything to your brain once you're out of the suit again, like feelings of phantom pain, hallucinations, anxiety, etc? These are all interesting questions that I left deliberately open in canon so that fans could explore them in stories but I'm not really seeing much of that at all. Sad thing is, the whole story gives me this feeling that you're trying to do this huge, sweeping thing by covering many years and major events, but they're all touched upon with so little to them that it feels kind of arbitrary and out of focus which, to be honest, makes it quite unsuitable for canon-approval at this moment.

Minor detail: The Manticore isn't Austrian. It is a joint development, implicitely led by Krauss-Maffei-Wegmann, and the crews can belong to any ECA country. The one you control in-game is crewed by Germans, but it is in no way ruled out that there are other Manticores that are operated by Brits, French, Dutch, etc or even mixed crews in the ECA.

i see
I'm bad at writing stories like that
Massive Editing Time!!!

[The General]

I haven't read it yet ( can't open links right now ), but i usualy avoid details that aren't important for the story.
I'd advise you to describe the important things, and 'slide' those that aren't that important trough the conversation of the characters so you get the same effect without focusing on them.

[BlackRangerXIII]

I haven't read it yet ( can't open links right now ), but i usualy avoid details that aren't important for the story.
I'd advise you to describe the important things, and 'slide' those that aren't that important trough the conversation of the characters so you get the same effect without focusing on them.

Currently in edit Phase
Sorry

UPDATE: Check it now

This post has been edited by BlackRangerXIII: 31 Jul 2014, 18:42

[The General]

I partialy read it, because i currently have a slow and sometimes irritating internet, but to be honest i don't realy like romantic romans.
Some parts are however still interadting, but i think you could have expanded the part about the feelings of having an exo-skeleton and the side effecs, also making tem more interasting.

[BlackRangerXIII]

I partialy read it, because i currently have a slow and sometimes irritating internet, but to be honest i don't realy like romantic romans.
Some parts are however still interadting, but i think you could have expanded the part about the feelings of having an exo-skeleton and the side effecs, also making tem more interasting.

I was and I'm not working on the story at the moment since I was playing Bulletstorm

[BlackRangerXIII]

Any moderator: Could you please clean this thread of comments with the exception of the main post and this comment
Because I'm rewriting the story for complete

[MARS]

We don't delete things on request unless the post was produced due to any kind of error (i.e. accidental double post). All comments in this thread contributed feedback to the subject and will be left intact. Feel free to continue working with this thread or create a new one.

[BlackRangerXIII]

We don't delete things on request unless the post was produced due to any kind of error (i.e. accidental double post). All comments in this thread contributed feedback to the subject and will be left intact. Feel free to continue working with this thread or create a new one.

Thanks