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Midnight Insomnia
Admiral FCS
post 12 Oct 2017, 10:06
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I do feel that if we had a philosophy sub-forum, this might go better there... or just stay in general discussion. The mood's just too heavy for spam.

Some of you may remotely remember me as a hot-headed kid from around '08-'10... well, it's been 7 years, long enough for me to have finished high school and get a bachelor's degree. Heading towards a master's degree... but that's not quite relevant.

It's just that in some ways, I owe the people of this forum - and of course Fallout - my first steps into the cyber world and talking to a mature crowd, so I don't quite know where else to put this. I hope you can put up with this, and thanks for silently reading the thoughts of this somewhat sentimental midnight, insomnia-induced rambling.


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My bachelor's degree gave me an unhealthy habit of not really falling asleep at all before 1am. Alas, today is one of those days.

I often find myself thinking about matters of life and death as I go to sleep, and today isn't really that different. Also happens that a competition I'm participating deals with the problem of impermanence, preservation and memory... and I find myself thinking back of my early days on the Internet, and inevitably, that led me to think about James.

James Brown - CommanderJB - passed away long before I was a mature person. I don't remember much about him, even with the forum search tool. What I do remember, however, was a knowledgeable, kind and gentle soul, an integral part of the forum and the RoTR team, and despite my naivete and short-temperness at the time, he allowed me to become a friend of him on the forum. Then, all of a sudden, he just passed away. Gone. I never forged a deep relationship with him; all I have to remember him is fading memories.

Memory is such a confusing and utterly mind-wrecking thing. I barely graduated, and already the memories of those past five years are either repeating themselves in my mind, making themselves more beautiful than I swear they were, or gradually, but certainly, trickling away. The night certainly isn't helping. It starts to rain quite frequently around this time of the year, and it becomes rather bleak. Days kind of just blend into each other without ever being bathed in sunlight. A torrential rain might help with putting me to sleep, but that gentle shower outside certainly doesn't help, because in the darkness, I hear my thoughts so much more than I would want to. I feel the need, the urge to write it down somewhere, to purge it from my thoughts.

......

Do you let memory go? Do you purposely forget? Or do you consider memory to be a duty, even if it is painful to remember?
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Mizo
post 23 Oct 2017, 11:22
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While I was too late to really get to know CommanderJB, as I more recently became involved to the team. I do identify alot with Insomia.

For me it's rather a different sense, rather than having my mind linger into deep subjects or around grand philosophical implications, it's more instinctive.

My brain is constantly on "Guard mode" , my body is ready to sprint at a moment's notice ( but you'd never see that in me if you met me in person). It seems like my mind is just stuck on "Survival mode" ( it's getting better , but around 3 years ago I was clocking around 60-70 hours of no sleep and constant Caffeine taking in order to stay awake in University/ do noemal basic tasks. , and it lowered my performance significantly.

Am constantly on alert , thinking about "the next mortar shell that's going to drop by next to me/on me".
It's never something that is in the forefront of my mind, but rather on the back. I never really think about it, but at the same time, the period I spent in "hot zones" in Syria as a volunteer medic during my late teen probably imprinted this as an instinct to survive. I wouldn't call myself Paranoid, maybe traumatized but even that is rather farfetched. I don't know what to call it, but I do know that no conseling/doctor was really helpful.

If it's not my guard being up, then it's some romanticized memmories of my family or the good ol' days I spent with my other 4 siblings that sticks in my mind from time to time. Family relationships for most Syrians are rather the most important aspect in their lives and I am not an exception to that.

This all used to keep me up for too many long nights for me to count. It led me to rely on Cannabis to knock me out forcefully which am thankful is a habit that did not linger for too long.

Beleive it or not, the thing that helped to fight Insomnia back is well, my wife. After getting each of our family's blessings, whenever I hug her at night, it gave me a sense of mental security that I never had before. My insomia was progressively getting better. I am forever grateful, which I end up reminding her that everyday ( corny story but it's true)

Today I clock at around 24-25 hours for the most part. This did improve my university grades, heck even my "skill level" in ROTR improved abit tongue.gif

This isn't meant to be a helpful comment, I just wanted you to feel that you're not alone in this insomnia struggle, with all the romantisizing of older memmories of the past or thoughts about life or death ( or surviving a non-existent imminent death) ect... I do wish you'd feel better after reading this even for abit ofcourse.

smile.gif

This post has been edited by Mizo: 23 Oct 2017, 11:27


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Not a Rusty Spoon........The_Hunter uses a goddamn wooden spoon on his AI Scripters....
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