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Admiral FCS
I do feel that if we had a philosophy sub-forum, this might go better there... or just stay in general discussion. The mood's just too heavy for spam.

Some of you may remotely remember me as a hot-headed kid from around '08-'10... well, it's been 7 years, long enough for me to have finished high school and get a bachelor's degree. Heading towards a master's degree... but that's not quite relevant.

It's just that in some ways, I owe the people of this forum - and of course Fallout - my first steps into the cyber world and talking to a mature crowd, so I don't quite know where else to put this. I hope you can put up with this, and thanks for silently reading the thoughts of this somewhat sentimental midnight, insomnia-induced rambling.


My bachelor's degree gave me an unhealthy habit of not really falling asleep at all before 1am. Alas, today is one of those days.

I often find myself thinking about matters of life and death as I go to sleep, and today isn't really that different. Also happens that a competition I'm participating deals with the problem of impermanence, preservation and memory... and I find myself thinking back of my early days on the Internet, and inevitably, that led me to think about James.

James Brown - CommanderJB - passed away long before I was a mature person. I don't remember much about him, even with the forum search tool. What I do remember, however, was a knowledgeable, kind and gentle soul, an integral part of the forum and the RoTR team, and despite my naivete and short-temperness at the time, he allowed me to become a friend of him on the forum. Then, all of a sudden, he just passed away. Gone. I never forged a deep relationship with him; all I have to remember him is fading memories.

Memory is such a confusing and utterly mind-wrecking thing. I barely graduated, and already the memories of those past five years are either repeating themselves in my mind, making themselves more beautiful than I swear they were, or gradually, but certainly, trickling away. The night certainly isn't helping. It starts to rain quite frequently around this time of the year, and it becomes rather bleak. Days kind of just blend into each other without ever being bathed in sunlight. A torrential rain might help with putting me to sleep, but that gentle shower outside certainly doesn't help, because in the darkness, I hear my thoughts so much more than I would want to. I feel the need, the urge to write it down somewhere, to purge it from my thoughts.


Do you let memory go? Do you purposely forget? Or do you consider memory to be a duty, even if it is painful to remember?
Well first of all, dont worry.Unless this gets too heavy or personnel we can move it to Pm's.

Honestly I thought someone more say well suited or better then me would've answered this way before me.As Im more of a patient of the same condition that's yet to smash it under my boot heels.You see I travel alot and these days Im trying to set up a deal/partners in china which does'nt help me with +5 hours of difference alongside talking to friends or family back in the US -10 hours-ish, oh and add the fact that I still have a life here in the middle and stuff to deal with in europe/middle east.

I remember your briefly, I think when you did play some ROTR you played ECA and USA.
CommanderJB was a great guy, I think I came on board too late or I didnt have much interaction with him if I was around back when he graced these threads.
But from what I heard, from higher ups in the SWR's development team to the meesly new guy (I think your one of them) praise him alot.
Thats how life is friend, theres a local saying in the place where I live.It goes as;

"Güvenme güzelliğine bir sivilce yeter güvenme zenginliğine bir kıvılcım yeter.Gençliğine güvenme direksiyonda bir sarhoş ayyoş yeter"
Which translates to; "Dont trust your beauty a zit is all thats needed, dont trust your fortune, one spark of fire is all thats needed, dont trust your youth only a drunk retard is needed behind the wheel"

So you never know what will happen, things can happen that you cant plan for, Its as simple as that.

If your having problems with going to sleep, the school of life youtube channel had an episode that suggested the largest reason for insomnia is that even if our muscles/body gets tired, we cant get to sleep (peacefully and normally) unless our mind is challenged.Maybe thats why a good hard stressfull game puts me to sleep like a baby at times.
Try to calm down, get some fresh cold air and some showers to soften you up can also do wonders.

For the last questions, No I dont...I wont...Even if each time I remember it gets corrupted. That's how the human mind works sadly, so I try not to remember the great days of yesterday as well so that I don't forget or disrupt it to fairy tail levels.
Good or bad Its best not to forget as long as it has some importance or significance, I have lost friends and people I loved to both time and the times.
People change over time to an unrecognizable state as well, which I would argue worse because then they're pretty much a stranger to you, like a zombie whos body remains but just as a husk.

Anyways I hoped this help, Its allright to hurt and to feel.Dont let some testosterone heavy gym junkie say otherwise.If you cant feel then you cant move on, and yes friend It gets better.
The world keeps turning and it will throw new challenges and opportunities your way.Also, you can always honor people in your life by even just adding a tiny reference or tribute to them depending on what you busy yourself with.Say a name in a story, or the name of the song you just wrote etc etc.

We're here for you buddy, but if that is'nt enough, consider seeing a shrink. (as much as I dislike/don't believe the practice I saw it does good to some people)
Admiral FCS
Hey Bruce, thanks for the thoughtful reply.

One thing I can assure you is that I don't think I need to see a doctor or counselor. It's just that sometimes I involuntarily think about such grand things, but during daytime I'm perfectly fine. I suppose also that I think about such things because of a lack of important responsibilities during the day; I'm between schools right now and the mind wanders. Not that it's a bad thing; I suppose architecture demands our minds to be flexible and wonder about all sort of things, although it probably came out a bit too heavy, sounding as if I need help. I do consider myself to be a relatively positive person, but being able to talk a bit and write it down certainly helps.

It's also interesting how I chose to not to talk to my parents about this. I've heard theories on how the mind works in different ways when you become bilingual, trilingual or even multilingual. For example, I usually think about cooking in Chinese because mom taught me cooking, but if you ask me to think about architecture in Chinese it becomes quite hard all of a sudden, because I was trained in an American school for five years for this English-based degree. Similarly, since American schools teach in the Imperial system, I need a conversion app at my side to deal with conversion of units from time to time when designing something in SI. As I've said, since my first "intrusions" into a completely English-speaking audience is the internet, I've come to lean on this place as well as FS as some sort of secret shelter that I check on ever so often and come back to ever so rarely. The semi-anonymity of the Internet certainly helps in that aspect. Not like Facebook or other things; as much as I'd love to post some of this stuff on that, it becomes too personal and responses will generally go towards messages of goodwill, and while certainly appreciated, I'm not actually in need of help. Just putting some thoughts out there.


On the light side, I don't think I ever played RoTR online. I did ShockWave a bit, but my internet always sucked and I really still can't micro, so I stick to PvE on other RTS'es. It's funny that you remember me as a player =P
"Güvenme güzelliğine bir sivilce yeter güvenme zenginliğine bir kıvılcım yeter.Gençliğine güvenme direksiyonda bir sarhoş ayyoş yeter"

Do you live in Turkey, Sir Bruce?

QUOTE (Incinerator1 @ 13 Oct 2017, 11:05) *
"Güvenme güzelliğine bir sivilce yeter güvenme zenginliğine bir kıvılcım yeter.Gençliğine güvenme direksiyonda bir sarhoş ayyoş yeter"

Do you live in Turkey, Sir Bruce?

Travel alot but yeah in between work and stuff I reside in izmir.Got some realestate here.But keep posts on topic.
While I was too late to really get to know CommanderJB, as I more recently became involved to the team. I do identify alot with Insomia.

For me it's rather a different sense, rather than having my mind linger into deep subjects or around grand philosophical implications, it's more instinctive.

My brain is constantly on "Guard mode" , my body is ready to sprint at a moment's notice ( but you'd never see that in me if you met me in person). It seems like my mind is just stuck on "Survival mode" ( it's getting better , but around 3 years ago I was clocking around 60-70 hours of no sleep and constant Caffeine taking in order to stay awake in University/ do noemal basic tasks. , and it lowered my performance significantly.

Am constantly on alert , thinking about "the next mortar shell that's going to drop by next to me/on me".
It's never something that is in the forefront of my mind, but rather on the back. I never really think about it, but at the same time, the period I spent in "hot zones" in Syria as a volunteer medic during my late teen probably imprinted this as an instinct to survive. I wouldn't call myself Paranoid, maybe traumatized but even that is rather farfetched. I don't know what to call it, but I do know that no conseling/doctor was really helpful.

If it's not my guard being up, then it's some romanticized memmories of my family or the good ol' days I spent with my other 4 siblings that sticks in my mind from time to time. Family relationships for most Syrians are rather the most important aspect in their lives and I am not an exception to that.

This all used to keep me up for too many long nights for me to count. It led me to rely on Cannabis to knock me out forcefully which am thankful is a habit that did not linger for too long.

Beleive it or not, the thing that helped to fight Insomnia back is well, my wife. After getting each of our family's blessings, whenever I hug her at night, it gave me a sense of mental security that I never had before. My insomia was progressively getting better. I am forever grateful, which I end up reminding her that everyday ( corny story but it's true)

Today I clock at around 24-25 hours for the most part. This did improve my university grades, heck even my "skill level" in ROTR improved abit tongue.gif

This isn't meant to be a helpful comment, I just wanted you to feel that you're not alone in this insomnia struggle, with all the romantisizing of older memmories of the past or thoughts about life or death ( or surviving a non-existent imminent death) ect... I do wish you'd feel better after reading this even for abit ofcourse.

Admiral FCS
Hope no one minds the necro. It's my thread afterall.


Grad school about to start, yet I still haven't received my visa. It's for Japan.

Basically, there's 6 steps for a problem that could've been like 2 steps. 1: School sends me pre-visa materials. 2: I fill them out and send to school in Japan. 3: School applys for pre-visa as my proxy. 4: After it is approved by the Japanese government, they send it back to the school. 5: The school sends this pre-visa paper back to me. 6: I go to my local consulate general to apply for my visa. Already you see the potential for things going wrong.

It could take upwards of 2 months between steps 3 and 4. The school set the deadline for step 2 for late January.

However, I was admitted early, in August last year. I could've applied the visa myself in September and got it December or something.

Essentially, they waited 4 months before sending me the material.

Now, 2 weeks before the scheduled flight, I still don't know if I can get my visa done on time. Apparently the Japanese government doesn't like and generally doesn't approve visa-changing while inside Japan. I might have to spend twice as I already have changing my ticket... if there's still seats left, that is.

Things like this really makes me want to scream into the void.
Admiral FCS
Well what do you know... the school just replied to my inquiry, saying they just received the pre-visa documents and are sending it out tomorrow.

Still pretty tight... but hey, I think I can make it now.
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