Full Version: Rewriting the Story
Rewriting the story into a new format with better narrative
Why not just post it here? No needs for docs. I think we need more backstories about characters, especially minor ones.
QUOTE (Svea Rike @ 26 Jul 2014, 16:01) 
Why not just post it here? No needs for docs. I think we need more backstories about characters, especially minor ones.
Because I need Someplace where I can Organize The Story and People will, soon, post something here, Making me lose Track of what I've Written
Updated the Main Post with Some Ideas
I'll give this a proper read as soon as I find the time. Just one friendly bit of advice: When people write stories/dialogue involving non-English speakers, they are often tempted to throw in random words from their native language, to make the character seem more exotic or foreign. This can be interesting to emphasise a certain key word, as long as the meaning of it is still comprehensible/iconic to most people who are not actually familiar with the language. However, you may want to think twice every time you use such expressions, because it actually loses emphasis and meaning when it is overused, which happens easily.
QUOTE (MARS @ 27 Jul 2014, 3:02)
I'll give this a proper read as soon as I find the time. Just one friendly bit of advice: When people write stories/dialogue involving non-English speakers, they are often tempted to throw in random words from their native language, to make the character seem more exotic or foreign. This can be interesting to emphasise a certain key word, as long as the meaning of it is still comprehensible/iconic to most people who are not actually familiar with the language. However, you may want to think twice every time you use such expressions, because it actually loses emphasis and meaning when it is overused, which happens easily.
Thanks for the advice MARS
Off topic: Will I see you on today/Tomorrow Stream?
The six backstory points point to a Mary Sue, a hyper idealized character with superior qualities to the point where the character lacks believability. The average age of commissioned officers, especially those found within special forces and elite units is between mid twenties to early thirties, meaning they must have actual field experience and years of specialized training that basic grunts between the ages of 18 - 22 have not even had time to complete yet.
Wikipedia Article
You should keep the character as grounded and believable as possible. The most human character you can make that the audience can connect with is someone of realistic age for an officer who has gone through all the trials of training and field experience and commanded a unit, etc. Moreau would best be described as a typical good soldier and officer shaped to be one of the best under dire circumstances. There is a lot of potential richness in this story could be developed.
Wikipedia Article
You should keep the character as grounded and believable as possible. The most human character you can make that the audience can connect with is someone of realistic age for an officer who has gone through all the trials of training and field experience and commanded a unit, etc. Moreau would best be described as a typical good soldier and officer shaped to be one of the best under dire circumstances. There is a lot of potential richness in this story could be developed.
QUOTE (Mcbob @ 27 Jul 2014, 3:29)
The six backstory points point to a Mary Sue, a hyper idealized character with superior qualities to the point where the character lacks believability. The average age of commissioned officers, especially those found within special forces and elite units is between mid twenties to early thirties, meaning they must have actual field experience and years of specialized training that basic grunts between the ages of 18 - 22 have not even had time to complete yet.
Wikipedia Article
You should keep the character as grounded and believable as possible. The most human character you can make that the audience can connect with is someone of realistic age for an officer who has gone through all the trials of training and field experience and commanded a unit, etc. Moreau would best be described as a typical good soldier and officer shaped to be one of the best under dire circumstances. There is a lot of potential richness in this story could be developed.
Wikipedia Article
You should keep the character as grounded and believable as possible. The most human character you can make that the audience can connect with is someone of realistic age for an officer who has gone through all the trials of training and field experience and commanded a unit, etc. Moreau would best be described as a typical good soldier and officer shaped to be one of the best under dire circumstances. There is a lot of potential richness in this story could be developed.
Is 25 a nice age?
I see like what?
Also, finished the story. Any suggestions?
Sorry for the bump but
Anything I should do to improve the fan fiction?
Anything I should do to improve the fan fiction?
QUOTE (BlackRangerXIII @ 27 Jul 2014, 18:43)
Sorry for the bump but
Anything I should do to improve the fan fiction?
Anything I should do to improve the fan fiction?
Post it here, cause I can't use docs on the internet.
QUOTE (Svea Rike @ 27 Jul 2014, 13:55)
Post it here, cause I can't use docs on the internet.
Why not?
I've set to public
QUOTE (BlackRangerXIII @ 27 Jul 2014, 19:41)
Why not?
I've set to public
I've set to public
I don't know. It just doesn't load for me.
QUOTE (Svea Rike @ 27 Jul 2014, 16:01)
I don't know. It just doesn't load for me.
Try it now
Oh! Now it works, what did you do? A very interesting read, and very well worded as well. Are from France?
QUOTE (Svea Rike @ 27 Jul 2014, 17:21)
Oh! Now it works, what did you do? A very interesting read, and very well worded as well. Are from France?
I had to reset the Share button and No, I'm Brazillian.
Oh, well it's such good French I thought you were. Nice fan-fic, anyway.
QUOTE (Svea Rike @ 27 Jul 2014, 18:47)
Oh, well it's such good French I thought you were. Nice fan-fic, anyway.
Anything I need to improve upon?
and some of the French were Translations LOL
Also check the 1st paragraph of part 3
Right at the end
UPDATE:
I'm going to be writing a new fan fiction about the Recycle/Salvage Truck that the GLA will Receive: An ECA mission in the Maghreb Union
Who would Win: VENOMS vs RECYCLE/SALVAGE TRUCK
Coming to you in the Theatre of War: Operation Scrapyard
Coming Soon
I'm going to be writing a new fan fiction about the Recycle/Salvage Truck that the GLA will Receive: An ECA mission in the Maghreb Union
Who would Win: VENOMS vs RECYCLE/SALVAGE TRUCK
Coming to you in the Theatre of War: Operation Scrapyard
Coming Soon
Okay, some analysis...
- I -really- don't like the whole 'my father tried to rape me' angle, namely because it falls quite badly into Rape As Backstory and Rape As Drama territory. If you choose to write a story involving an occurence of sexual assault, it -has- to be treated as a major narrative centrepiece with proper characterisation, meaning and consequence, not a side show thrown in for shock value that doesn't amount to anything. It is an incredibly difficult thing to handle well which is why I typically stay away from it entirely because a bad execution of that kind of premise may darken or, at worst, ruin an entire story.
- I see that you're trying to tie many established canon elements into your narrative, but it kinda gets to the point of name dropping. Like the story is less about the actual character, her experiences and feelings and more about her retelling past events from the official story. As such, it kinda lacks an identity of its own to be honest and I can't really see where it might go, now that it has caught up with the 'present' point of the official story as well.
- I'm not sure if it's logically possible for Moreau to be with the 2e REP in Alaska, then with the 1er RPIMa during WW3, seeing how the 2e REP is actually part of the Foreign Legion; I wouldn't know how much of the rank and file of the Legion is made up of born French nationals from France, rather than naturalised foreigners. This, military ranks and the bit about the Venom prices, measured in what is apparently a Finnish currency, is the kind of detail that opens a story to plot holes and logical inconsistencies. It's nice to have details that add to the story without being essential to it, but a detail that strikes the reader as inconsistent or implausible has a negative effect, so you might want to rework some of those. One thing that struck me as particularly odd is how she knew the names of the Russian grunts she killed in Scandinavia. We as the audience knew them because they were introduced to us by an omniscient narrator and through their conversation in Ride of the Valkyries, but how does she know them?
- Mcbob raised an important point when he mentioned the Mary Sue thing. Throwing rape into her backstory doesn't change much about the fact that Moreau comes off as kinda one-dimensionally ideal. At the end of the day, one -has- to remember that military hierarchies are built heavily on age, seniority and experience, so the notion of someone reaching their position at an implausibly early age is always hard to swallow. I realise that you set up that age thing the way you did so you can tie it in with her memories of previous canon events, but that's not an ideal premise for a story. Sure, it's nice if you can have references, but the story feels like it's artificially bent to fit that premise of referencing events, instead of being a real thing of its own that naturally happens to have some occasional connections.
I hope that was of some use.
- I -really- don't like the whole 'my father tried to rape me' angle, namely because it falls quite badly into Rape As Backstory and Rape As Drama territory. If you choose to write a story involving an occurence of sexual assault, it -has- to be treated as a major narrative centrepiece with proper characterisation, meaning and consequence, not a side show thrown in for shock value that doesn't amount to anything. It is an incredibly difficult thing to handle well which is why I typically stay away from it entirely because a bad execution of that kind of premise may darken or, at worst, ruin an entire story.
- I see that you're trying to tie many established canon elements into your narrative, but it kinda gets to the point of name dropping. Like the story is less about the actual character, her experiences and feelings and more about her retelling past events from the official story. As such, it kinda lacks an identity of its own to be honest and I can't really see where it might go, now that it has caught up with the 'present' point of the official story as well.
- I'm not sure if it's logically possible for Moreau to be with the 2e REP in Alaska, then with the 1er RPIMa during WW3, seeing how the 2e REP is actually part of the Foreign Legion; I wouldn't know how much of the rank and file of the Legion is made up of born French nationals from France, rather than naturalised foreigners. This, military ranks and the bit about the Venom prices, measured in what is apparently a Finnish currency, is the kind of detail that opens a story to plot holes and logical inconsistencies. It's nice to have details that add to the story without being essential to it, but a detail that strikes the reader as inconsistent or implausible has a negative effect, so you might want to rework some of those. One thing that struck me as particularly odd is how she knew the names of the Russian grunts she killed in Scandinavia. We as the audience knew them because they were introduced to us by an omniscient narrator and through their conversation in Ride of the Valkyries, but how does she know them?
- Mcbob raised an important point when he mentioned the Mary Sue thing. Throwing rape into her backstory doesn't change much about the fact that Moreau comes off as kinda one-dimensionally ideal. At the end of the day, one -has- to remember that military hierarchies are built heavily on age, seniority and experience, so the notion of someone reaching their position at an implausibly early age is always hard to swallow. I realise that you set up that age thing the way you did so you can tie it in with her memories of previous canon events, but that's not an ideal premise for a story. Sure, it's nice if you can have references, but the story feels like it's artificially bent to fit that premise of referencing events, instead of being a real thing of its own that naturally happens to have some occasional connections.
I hope that was of some use.
QUOTE (MARS @ 29 Jul 2014, 4:23)
Okay, some analysis...
- I -really- don't like the whole 'my father tried to rape me' angle, namely because it falls quite badly into Rape As Backstory and Rape As Drama territory. If you choose to write a story involving an occurence of sexual assault, it -has- to be treated as a major narrative centrepiece with proper characterisation, meaning and consequence, not a side show thrown in for shock value that doesn't amount to anything. It is an incredibly difficult thing to handle well which is why I typically stay away from it entirely because a bad execution of that kind of premise may darken or, at worst, ruin an entire story.
- I see that you're trying to tie many established canon elements into your narrative, but it kinda gets to the point of name dropping. Like the story is less about the actual character, her experiences and feelings and more about her retelling past events from the official story. As such, it kinda lacks an identity of its own to be honest and I can't really see where it might go, now that it has caught up with the 'present' point of the official story as well.
- I'm not sure if it's logically possible for Moreau to be with the 2e REP in Alaska, then with the 1er RPIMa during WW3, seeing how the 2e REP is actually part of the Foreign Legion; I wouldn't know how much of the rank and file of the Legion is made up of born French nationals from France, rather than naturalised foreigners. This, military ranks and the bit about the Venom prices, measured in what is apparently a Finnish currency, is the kind of detail that opens a story to plot holes and logical inconsistencies. It's nice to have details that add to the story without being essential to it, but a detail that strikes the reader as inconsistent or implausible has a negative effect, so you might want to rework some of those. One thing that struck me as particularly odd is how she knew the names of the Russian grunts she killed in Scandinavia. We as the audience knew them because they were introduced to us by an omniscient narrator and through their conversation in Ride of the Valkyries, but how does she know them?
- Mcbob raised an important point when he mentioned the Mary Sue thing. Throwing rape into her backstory doesn't change much about the fact that Moreau comes off as kinda one-dimensionally ideal. At the end of the day, one -has- to remember that military hierarchies are built heavily on age, seniority and experience, so the notion of someone reaching their position at an implausibly early age is always hard to swallow. I realise that you set up that age thing the way you did so you can tie it in with her memories of previous canon events, but that's not an ideal premise for a story. Sure, it's nice if you can have references, but the story feels like it's artificially bent to fit that premise of referencing events, instead of being a real thing of its own that naturally happens to have some occasional connections.
I hope that was of some use.
- I -really- don't like the whole 'my father tried to rape me' angle, namely because it falls quite badly into Rape As Backstory and Rape As Drama territory. If you choose to write a story involving an occurence of sexual assault, it -has- to be treated as a major narrative centrepiece with proper characterisation, meaning and consequence, not a side show thrown in for shock value that doesn't amount to anything. It is an incredibly difficult thing to handle well which is why I typically stay away from it entirely because a bad execution of that kind of premise may darken or, at worst, ruin an entire story.
- I see that you're trying to tie many established canon elements into your narrative, but it kinda gets to the point of name dropping. Like the story is less about the actual character, her experiences and feelings and more about her retelling past events from the official story. As such, it kinda lacks an identity of its own to be honest and I can't really see where it might go, now that it has caught up with the 'present' point of the official story as well.
- I'm not sure if it's logically possible for Moreau to be with the 2e REP in Alaska, then with the 1er RPIMa during WW3, seeing how the 2e REP is actually part of the Foreign Legion; I wouldn't know how much of the rank and file of the Legion is made up of born French nationals from France, rather than naturalised foreigners. This, military ranks and the bit about the Venom prices, measured in what is apparently a Finnish currency, is the kind of detail that opens a story to plot holes and logical inconsistencies. It's nice to have details that add to the story without being essential to it, but a detail that strikes the reader as inconsistent or implausible has a negative effect, so you might want to rework some of those. One thing that struck me as particularly odd is how she knew the names of the Russian grunts she killed in Scandinavia. We as the audience knew them because they were introduced to us by an omniscient narrator and through their conversation in Ride of the Valkyries, but how does she know them?
- Mcbob raised an important point when he mentioned the Mary Sue thing. Throwing rape into her backstory doesn't change much about the fact that Moreau comes off as kinda one-dimensionally ideal. At the end of the day, one -has- to remember that military hierarchies are built heavily on age, seniority and experience, so the notion of someone reaching their position at an implausibly early age is always hard to swallow. I realise that you set up that age thing the way you did so you can tie it in with her memories of previous canon events, but that's not an ideal premise for a story. Sure, it's nice if you can have references, but the story feels like it's artificially bent to fit that premise of referencing events, instead of being a real thing of its own that naturally happens to have some occasional connections.
I hope that was of some use.
The Part of the Rape as back story I can understand very well but the thing about Mary sue is that I'm building Moreau's Back story and how she tells the story after characters like Lara Croft (From the Reboot), Who had to survive a Mind-Breaking massive problem to accept who he or she is
Also the Part of knowing the Russians were because of her Overhearing and Getting their names During the Mission and Super cool All clear Nightvision Allowed for analysis of their shirts. Perhaps I'll change that to non omniscient, As it made me a little off
Also I'll change the Finns for euros, as it bothered me too
Her Quick growth in the Military Reminded me of Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker, A conversation between Snake and Huey: http://youtu.be/odsnVcF_DjQ
QUOTE (BlackRangerXIII @ 29 Jul 2014, 17:04)
Also the Part of knowing the Russians were because of her Overhearing and Getting their names During the Mission and Super cool All clear Nightvision Allowed for analysis of their shirts. Perhaps I'll change that to non omniscient, As it made me a little off
They were in a small cabin, and "Super cool All clear Nightvision"? Really?
QUOTE (Svea Rike @ 29 Jul 2014, 12:11)
They were in a small cabin, and "Super cool All clear Nightvision"? Really?
Rule in covert Ops: Know Your Enemy, However I've edited it to be more coherent
Yeah you're supposed to know them as in, what are their rules? Tactics? How do they operate and such, not literally knowing your enemy. "Hey, yesterday I shot Bob from accounting, could you believe that?"
QUOTE (Svea Rike @ 29 Jul 2014, 13:15)
Yeah you're supposed to know them as in, what are their rules? Tactics? How do they operate and such, not literally knowing your enemy. "Hey, yesterday I shot Bob from accounting, could you believe that?"
lol true
But it's better now
The Venom Protocol info, Plot Twist, Info regarding the Next part of the story, and A romance is blooming
Check it out on the First Post
Check it out on the First Post
Okay, some of this isn't really working all that well. First, I'm looking at another very non-chalant rape scene that comes completely out of nowhere and is 'dealt' with in as little as four lines. Why would a Venom operator - someone who is by now officially established as the absolute finest of Europe's special forces community - stroll around in Russian-occupied Finland alone during WW3 to get whacked unconscious and raped? Also, the notion that the ECA would dispatch a significant part of its Venom force to engage GLA forces is quite unbelievable. The GLA doesn't do much of anything at the moment and what little there was during WW3 was repelled by Maghreb forces - on their own. The protocol units were -only- designed and produced to give the ECA an edge against the Russian Army and there would be no logical reason for ECA high command to disperse these precious assets away from the fight for their very own land during what is meant to be the decisive counter offensive to end the war. I should also note that you've kinda left out what would have easily been the most interesting and rich aspect of this whole story premise: What is it actually -like- to be a Venom? How does the neural interface work? How does it feel to essentially have an extended mechanical body that you can control like it's your own? Does the experience do anything to your brain once you're out of the suit again, like feelings of phantom pain, hallucinations, anxiety, etc? These are all interesting questions that I left deliberately open in canon so that fans could explore them in stories but I'm not really seeing much of that at all. Sad thing is, the whole story gives me this feeling that you're trying to do this huge, sweeping thing by covering many years and major events, but they're all touched upon with so little to them that it feels kind of arbitrary and out of focus which, to be honest, makes it quite unsuitable for canon-approval at this moment.
Minor detail: The Manticore isn't Austrian. It is a joint development, implicitely led by Krauss-Maffei-Wegmann, and the crews can belong to any ECA country. The one you control in-game is crewed by Germans, but it is in no way ruled out that there are other Manticores that are operated by Brits, French, Dutch, etc or even mixed crews in the ECA.
Minor detail: The Manticore isn't Austrian. It is a joint development, implicitely led by Krauss-Maffei-Wegmann, and the crews can belong to any ECA country. The one you control in-game is crewed by Germans, but it is in no way ruled out that there are other Manticores that are operated by Brits, French, Dutch, etc or even mixed crews in the ECA.
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GratuitousRape
Check this one out. It's under the Bad Writing Index for a reason.
Check this one out. It's under the Bad Writing Index for a reason.
QUOTE (MARS @ 31 Jul 2014, 3:35)
Okay, some of this isn't really working all that well. First, I'm looking at another very non-chalant rape scene that comes completely out of nowhere and is 'dealt' with in as little as four lines. Why would a Venom operator - someone who is by now officially established as the absolute finest of Europe's special forces community - stroll around in Russian-occupied Finland alone during WW3 to get whacked unconscious and raped? Also, the notion that the ECA would dispatch a significant part of its Venom force to engage GLA forces is quite unbelievable. The GLA doesn't do much of anything at the moment and what little there was during WW3 was repelled by Maghreb forces - on their own. The protocol units were -only- designed and produced to give the ECA an edge against the Russian Army and there would be no logical reason for ECA high command to disperse these precious assets away from the fight for their very own land during what is meant to be the decisive counter offensive to end the war. I should also note that you've kinda left out what would have easily been the most interesting and rich aspect of this whole story premise: What is it actually -like- to be a Venom? How does the neural interface work? How does it feel to essentially have an extended mechanical body that you can control like it's your own? Does the experience do anything to your brain once you're out of the suit again, like feelings of phantom pain, hallucinations, anxiety, etc? These are all interesting questions that I left deliberately open in canon so that fans could explore them in stories but I'm not really seeing much of that at all. Sad thing is, the whole story gives me this feeling that you're trying to do this huge, sweeping thing by covering many years and major events, but they're all touched upon with so little to them that it feels kind of arbitrary and out of focus which, to be honest, makes it quite unsuitable for canon-approval at this moment.
Minor detail: The Manticore isn't Austrian. It is a joint development, implicitely led by Krauss-Maffei-Wegmann, and the crews can belong to any ECA country. The one you control in-game is crewed by Germans, but it is in no way ruled out that there are other Manticores that are operated by Brits, French, Dutch, etc or even mixed crews in the ECA.
Minor detail: The Manticore isn't Austrian. It is a joint development, implicitely led by Krauss-Maffei-Wegmann, and the crews can belong to any ECA country. The one you control in-game is crewed by Germans, but it is in no way ruled out that there are other Manticores that are operated by Brits, French, Dutch, etc or even mixed crews in the ECA.
i see
I'm bad at writing stories like that
Massive Editing Time!!!
I haven't read it yet ( can't open links right now ), but i usualy avoid details that aren't important for the story.
I'd advise you to describe the important things, and 'slide' those that aren't that important trough the conversation of the characters so you get the same effect without focusing on them.
I'd advise you to describe the important things, and 'slide' those that aren't that important trough the conversation of the characters so you get the same effect without focusing on them.
QUOTE (The General @ 31 Jul 2014, 12:31)
I haven't read it yet ( can't open links right now ), but i usualy avoid details that aren't important for the story.
I'd advise you to describe the important things, and 'slide' those that aren't that important trough the conversation of the characters so you get the same effect without focusing on them.
I'd advise you to describe the important things, and 'slide' those that aren't that important trough the conversation of the characters so you get the same effect without focusing on them.
Currently in edit Phase
Sorry
UPDATE: Check it now
I partialy read it, because i currently have a slow and sometimes irritating internet, but to be honest i don't realy like romantic romans.
Some parts are however still interadting, but i think you could have expanded the part about the feelings of having an exo-skeleton and the side effecs, also making tem more interasting.
Some parts are however still interadting, but i think you could have expanded the part about the feelings of having an exo-skeleton and the side effecs, also making tem more interasting.
QUOTE (The General @ 1 Aug 2014, 7:55)
I partialy read it, because i currently have a slow and sometimes irritating internet, but to be honest i don't realy like romantic romans.
Some parts are however still interadting, but i think you could have expanded the part about the feelings of having an exo-skeleton and the side effecs, also making tem more interasting.
Some parts are however still interadting, but i think you could have expanded the part about the feelings of having an exo-skeleton and the side effecs, also making tem more interasting.
I was and I'm not working on the story at the moment since I was playing Bulletstorm
Any moderator: Could you please clean this thread of comments with the exception of the main post and this comment
Because I'm rewriting the story for complete
Because I'm rewriting the story for complete
We don't delete things on request unless the post was produced due to any kind of error (i.e. accidental double post). All comments in this thread contributed feedback to the subject and will be left intact. Feel free to continue working with this thread or create a new one.
QUOTE (MARS @ 4 Aug 2014, 8:13)
We don't delete things on request unless the post was produced due to any kind of error (i.e. accidental double post). All comments in this thread contributed feedback to the subject and will be left intact. Feel free to continue working with this thread or create a new one.
Thanks
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